Many days, weeks, and months ago, I suffered a betrayal that I thought I could never move past beyond. It cost me a lot of things... confidence in myself, trust in others, and "friends." Every time I'd encounter a milestone or a reminder of that painful moment, I'd lose all my confidence once again, and paranoia and self-pity would set in. I have tried so hard to avoid those moments and to keep to myself, to hide my pain and sorrow only to be witnessed by me alone. Today is one of those days. I fear that I will break down and wallow in self-pity. Once again, I want to just keep to myself and have my own pity party but I had made a promise. I will be there, I will face the reality of what had happened, of how my best laid plans had failed despite my earnest and sincere efforts. I don't know why I made the promise to be there but I did and I will fulfill it, not just for the people who stayed true and loyal to me but for myself. I have to do it for me. If I kept to myself and…
Tag: jci life
An Introspection on the Past Three Years
It has only been three years but so much has happened. So much has changed. So many friends gained. And so many "friends" lost. It has been a long and winding road. In my 31 years of life full of drama, twists and turns, this last journey I have been taking for over 3 years has been an interesting one. Once again, I am at a crossroad. There are days when I still look back at the painful memories. And yes, there are still nights when I cry in frustration. Times when I'd get sad over the most trivial things. Moments when I feel jealous of others. I feel like I tried and worked so hard but I don't really have anything to show for it. There's always one thing I tell myself and others, that no matter how great or small, every experience is an opportunity to learn. And there are lots that I've learned through the past three years. At the very least, I can say I have learned many valuable lessons I would have never learned if this journey had been a successful one. I've learned that the world is full of people willing to screw you…
Through the Fire Once Again
Not a lot of people are aware of it, but I've been through some tough times these past few months. Once again, my faith in people was tested. On most nights in January and February, I was crying. The only times I wouldn't cry was if I was out of town. Still smiling I have never aspired for awards or recognition. For the most part, I did my job earnestly because I loved the challenge of it and because I loved the people I was with. I was fiercely loyal and at times, clouded by my need to please my peers. But alas, my hard work and loyalty didn't count for much. As much as I would like to blame gossip, idle talk, politics, or whatever there is to blame, I was never able to make full sense of what happened. I felt lonely, betrayed, and useless. All my hard work for more than two years went unappreciated and counted for nothing. The people I fought so hard for, didn't value me as much as I valued them. Worse of all, my friends who didn't do anything wrong except be my friend became targets of other people's ire and paranoia.…