It’s past 5 am. Hours ago, I vowed to myself that this year will be better. No more heartbreaks and no more pining for you in 2011. And I think I might be able to make it. It’s been 1 year and 9 days since we broke up. But you broke my heart many times before that and a couple of more times after that.
You and I know I have been holding on because I love you and I know we’d be great together. If somebody were to ask me years ago even before I met you what kind of guy I’d like to be in a relationship with, I’d probably describe somebody like you: smart and intelligent, tall and kinda athletic, a bit geeky and nerdy, driven, somebody I can talk to about anything I want to talk about. Before you, there was only one other guy who fit my idea of who I should be in a relationship. We were in a constant tango, me and him. As we also were.
We had those eight months. I have learned a lot about myself, about life, about love, and what I deserve. It was never easy between us. How can it be when we both knew it wasn’t supposed to be? But we handled it quite well. For a couple caught up in a relationship that isn’t supposed to be, we never fought. Not even once. We had arguments and discussions, but we never fought, never said hurtful words, never hated each other. We both knew when to back off.
Even when I became so angry and frustrated with the situation, I never fought with you. Even at times when you got angry at other people and dumped it all on me, I didn’t get angry. And you never got angry too. Not even at times when I deliberately tried to get you angry.
There were no fights, but there were always apologies. Apologies for a relationship that should never had happened. It happened because we thought we knew ourselves better and knew when to hold back and stop. But we didn’t because we both knew we wanted and love each other.
Despite the things you didn’t understand about me, you supported me in everything. Encouraged me when I needed encouragement, congratulated me when I did well, and told me to do better when I did poorly. You always believed that I can do better and be better. Thank you!
And at times when I became ill, depressed, or had problems, you knew what to say. And even when you didn’t, you comforted me and assured me that things will get better. Thank you!
Through the eight months that we were together and the many other months we were friends, I learned a lot about myself and I thank you for that.
I am finally letting go. I have told you before that I was letting go and moving on but we both know I didn’t. I kept holding on to the idea of you and I, of someday, somehow, things turning the way I want them to be. I see know that you really do love her more than you love me. That for as long as she is there with you, you won’t choose me.
You probably won’t say you do not love me anymore, and I won’t tell you I don’t love you. Because I do, I love you. And if you find it in your heart to love me back as I have loved you, I will accept you. But this is it. This is my last try. If you give us another chance, I promise you I will try my best to be the person you want me to be, to be the best that I can be, to try my hardest to succeed in the things I do. I will be a great person and a damn good girlfriend. Or I will die trying.
But this is it. This is the my last try to make you and I work. For after this, I am moving on. I am letting go. And publishing this here is a vow to myself and the people who care for me, that I am done holding on to the idea of you and I. That I will finally let go. That I am letting go of the man and the relationship that I have always wanted to have because you, apparently, you do not want it as much as I do.
I cannot simply let go without trying one last time. If you choose me, if you love me, I promise to be even better, to try even harder, to give you all that I have to give. I know it sounds crazy and tad bit desperate, but this is my way of saying that I still want you to love me and choose me. But if you don’t or can’t for whatever reason you want to believe in, then it’s time to really let go.
I have had a very hard time letting you go and I have held on for as long as I can because you and I is what I have always wanted and never had. I have never met somebody I connect with as much as we do. In our own weird ways, we are so different and yet we are also so alike.
But holding on has been rough for me so I need to let go now. I am not hoping that you will come running back to me when you read this, but I had to try. And at this moment, as I write, I have a little bit of hope in my heart that you will choose us. But I know you won’t. That it would take a lot of enlightenment and maybe a miracle for you to tell me you choose me.
Without any agenda or motive, I wish for you happiness with the one who truly loves you and the one who truly deserves you. I wish that you will realize that you deserve some happiness despite your past mistakes.
Things will not be the same, my love. I continue to love you and be your friend. You will never be a stranger to me. But I am taking baby steps towards finally letting go of you and I. I know you will be happy for me.
Almost everyday, I tell myself my favorite line: “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.” And while I experienced that with you, it was never enough, never complete because while I loved you wholly, sincerely, and earnestly, you were never really mine, never really loved me wholly.
Never forget that there was a girl who loved you with all her heart. And that while she might have done a lot of stupid things while she was in a relationship with you, she loved you dearly, unselfishly, and unconditionally. And she does not and will never regret loving you for loving you made her feel like in her life full of sadness and unexpected challenges, being loved can make things better.
Thank you for loving me! Thank you for being a friend!
I love you still!
From the girl who dreams of finding a better version of you who will love her back,