“Tell her why. At least give her the chance to have feelings about it. For god’s sake!”
– Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy Season 2 Episode 2
Sabi dito ENTJ daw personality ko. Sabi rin “ENTJs desire closure in their lives, wanting to make conclusions about things or people quickly.” AWOW! I’m not one to easily believe these online quizzes and tests but I have consistently gotten an ENTJ result the past few years. (I used to be ENFP.)
Anyway, the point is… apparently, I need closure. Personality test and diagnosis aside, yes, I am that person. It took me almost five years to get over my first love. And he wasn’t even my boyfriend. We just had an on and off thing. I moved on because I got the closure I wanted. We didn’t really part ways. Rather, he got himself a girlfriend. And yes, brave old me was calm and collected. I maintained my friendship with the guy. And his girlfriend. HUWOW! That started a pattern in all my relationships which I terribly regret now.
So how did I get the closure I wanted? I asked for it. Some four or five years after he got himself a girlfriend, we met up for dinner. And I asked all the questions I wanted to ask and got the answers I had to hear. And there you go, I was finally over him. More recently, I have had the same experience. Even if it was clear for a long time that me and this ex were never ever gonna be together, I was not able to move on. Not necessarily because I still wanted to be with him, I just really needed him to apologize, to tell me his reasons, to give answers that I think I deserve. And there you go, I am finally ok and we can finally be truly friends.
But this does not happen often. People leave without so much as a good bye. At eto ako… basang-basa sa ulan, walang masisilungan, walang malalapitan. Wait… well, it seems a bit that way. When somebody chooses somebody else or leaves me, or just cuts off ties for whatever reason, I seem like a lost child. Like I don’t know what to do and where to go. Iniwan sa ere. Ain’t such a great feeling. And FML! It happens to me all the time.
Eto na naman ako… paulit-ulit na lang. Sabi nga sa kanta nila Piolo at Sarah G (totally different movie, BTW), “Paano ba ang magmahal? Palagi bang nasasaktan? Umiiyak na lang palagi, Gusto ko nang lumisan.” Sakit beh. Minsan (and most recently), di pa nga ako nagmahal, like pa nga lang… thumbs up pa nga lang, di pa napusuan, nasaktan na. OUCH! Sakit, beh.
Once again, I am like a lost child. Pero eto ang maganda, with the help of my friends, nagka-epiphany ako. YES! After 34 years of existence and 21 years of liking, loving, investing emotions, and ending up heartbroken and lost, ETO NA BEH! Natuto rin ang puso kong tanga.