This is one of my favorite poems. Yes, it’s a poem about heartbreak and letting go but it’s also a poem about love and how it can move people.
Nobody really asked for this topic but I’m a bit intoxicated and I can’t sleep so what the hell, right? After all, love and relationships are the easiest and hardest things to talk about. Easy because we can all relate to it somehow. Or at least, the lack of it. And hard because it all really doesn’t make sense.
So here I am. 31 and single. One of things I often get asked (luckily, not so much by my relatives) is why I’m single. The answer? I don’t know. I’d like to think there’s really nothing wrong with me. So let’s examine my past relationships, instead.
My first boyfriend (who was not my first love, by the way) was one huge mistake. I’d rather not talk about the guy since we’re friends but let’s just say I went into the relationship just because. It was a long distance relationship and I felt like it was really not a big investment. While I did mourn the breaking up part, the relationship and the break up didn’t really take much of my time or emotions. Our usual nights would go like this…
BF: What you doing?
Ria: Playing DotA. DND.
Have you drunk dialed? Or have you been the recipient/victim of drunk dialing? Well I have experienced both numerous times. LELZ!
Download at this LINK.
How about you? Got any embarrassing drunk dialing stories?
Thank you to the guy who served as the “inspiration” for this podcast! Sorry, friend. I didn’t bash you naman eh. And I know you don’t read my blog, hehe!
15 Rules of Drunk Dialing by LaughOutLoud.com – LINK
I hope you listened to the end. I was kinda boring and rambled on. The podcast was originally more than 25 minutes long. I also apologize for the grammatical errors, I didn’t have a script. I need to improve on my next podcast.
If you haven’t yet, check out my past podcasts.
Got any new topics for me to talk about?
PS Yeah, you heard that right. I haven’t been dating the past year.
You know who you are but I’m quite sure you don’t read my blog so whatever.
First off, wag mo masyadong i-feel ang moment, ok? Haha!
I’d like you to know I’m so frustrated by the entire situation but I’m thankful you finally had the guts to be honest.
When you first approached me, it was obvious you liked me. You never denied it. I wasn’t really into you but you seemed like you were a nice guy. And even my guy friends told me you seemed sincere. I told you I wasn’t ready for a commitment or anything serious. And I meant it. I don’t regret telling you that.
And yet you tried to win me over. A for effort! Actually, A plus kung tutuusin. Bilib pati mga tao sa paligid ko. Wala pang lalakeng nag-effort ng ganun ka bongga. You didn’t do anything grand or extra special but you were there. A constant presence (so to speak) in my life.
Just when I was about to change my mind and let you into my life, the tides changed. The calls became fewer and the conversations started getting colder. You admit that your ex, the one whom you loved so much for a long time has started to communicate with you again. And that you still love her. Despite everything.
I was livid. Who wouldn’t be? Then, you told me… “I love you… as a friend.” HUWHAAAAAAT?! Kalurkey! Ang bongga ng statement! I kept on asking you if it was time for me to let go and move on. Habang maaga pa diba? You said, you’d leave the decision to me.
I thought that was it, but then you kept on coming back like nothing happened. And I was ok with that. I thought maybe it meant nothing, that you were still interested in me because you were still sweet and malambing.
After sometime, I decided to let you go. I just wanted to really speak with you so I’d know what went wrong. I waited for the chance to end things with you but things didn’t go as expected and a flicker of hope remained in the horizon.
But now, finally, you choose to be honest. After so many weeks, numerous messages and calls, you finally admit you lost interest in me a while back. That while you like me, there were so many things about me that you didn’t like.
You told me that the guy I get married to would be so lucky if I changed. I’m telling you now the the real lucky guy is the guy who will love and accept me for who I am.
I am not angry at you, but I am frustrated by the situation. That’s probably why I’m writing about it, letting the world know how I’d been played for a fool, how I wasted my time giving you a chance and somehow falling in love with you when all you wanted and needed was a friend. *FACEPALM*
I wish you had the guts to say it earlier, when I didn’t invest in you yet, when I still had the chance to not care for you. But it’s too late. You are now another line in my list of heartbreaks.
You have made me question and doubt myself. The entire situation has become somewhat of a puzzle to me. How can a guy continue to love a person who has hurt him so much? How can a guy pursue and show so much affection for a girl and yet be able to easily drop that girl? How can this be happening to me again?
Sabi ko nga sayo diba… Tanga na nga talaga siguro ako when it comes to love and relationships.
Every time I go through a heartbreak or a painful experience such as this, I tend to examine each and every relationship, break up, or failure I’ve had. Even those with guys who weren’t really my boyfriends. Believe me, you’re not the first guy who has pursued me and suddenly lost interest.
I really don’t know the point of this letter, except that I wanted to rant… to be honest to myself, to have a reminder of what happened so it wouldn’t happen again. There is no bitterness in my heart. Only questions on my mind.
You ask me why I fell in love with you? I guess it’s because you took care of me when I needed somebody to take care of me.
I think I’d like to thank you for everything, for the memories, even the painful ones. May those memories stick with me and always remind me that even nice guys, even those who seem to be sincere can break my heart.
I sincerely hope you find the happiness you have been wishing to have with her. And I do mean it when I told you we can still be friends.
Good luck in everything! Anybody who works as hard as you do only deserve success. Don’t forget what I have always told you: that you deserve so much more than you think you deserve. Let people take care of you.
Don’t worry about me… I’ll get over you.
The One That Got Away
I was apprehensive taking the trip we were supposed to take together. But it was better than I expected. It’s great being single again.
I finally understand why we can’t be together and I thank you for giving me that. When I went on the trip, I thought maybe I’d be thinking about you all the time and how the trip would be better if you were there with me. Truth is, it was almost perfect without you there.
The combination of work, old and new friends, booze, partying, and stress gave me a new perspective. It would have probably been a fun trip with you but I would have probably been too guarded, too worried about you that I wouldn’t be able to work and party as hard as I did.
I finally see what some of my friends told me, that I wasn’t me when I was with you. It’s both good and bad. Good because I became a better person when I was with you. And bad because somehow I made us the center of my life. You might not believe it, but I was trying very hard to make us work and I suffered for it. Not that I blame you or us. It was a choice I made.
Zamboanga showed me that I can enjoy life as a single person. That I am myself more, and still aspire to better even without you constantly beside me and taking care of me. I can become a better person even if I have no partner to be good for. While life can be lonely and challenging as a single girl, I understand now that life can be beautiful if you allow yourself to see and enjoy the good parts.
I’d like to think our relationship changed me, for the better. But it’s the break up that served me better. I am now more focused and I aspire to be better even more.
I am now back to my groove, writing, blogging, and working even harder. And partying harder, too. I’m smiling wholeheartedly now. And enjoying my days and nights better. And wow… I’m not counting the days anymore.
I cherish our memories together and will forever be grateful for everything you taught me. I still hope to find a partner as great as you were, but I hope the next time won’t end as badly. I don’t think this heart can take any more heartaches. And if my heart breaks again, I’m hoping it will just make me stronger and wiser. Otherwise, the next guy who breaks my heart will definitely get punched in the face.
For being part of my life and for setting me free, MUCHAS GRACIAS!
Hoping for the best for you. I look forward to the day when we can be really good friends. And apologies for all the hurt and pain I caused you. I love you.
And I leave you with this song…
“Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they’re memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don’t forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead”
PS To the old and new friends who made my working vacation in Zamboanga a memorable one, MUCHAS GRACIAS! <3
…and I’m still counting.
I just finished watching “The Love Affair,” and I am now in the middle of “First Love (A Crazy Thing Called Love).” These films are two of my most favorite romance films. I have been watching a lot of those lately because for 50 days, I have been trying to do everything there is to do to try to get over a break up.
I have tried staying in for two days. I have tried going out and staying up late. I have tried watching cheesy Tagalog films. I have tried binge-ing and I have tried dieting. I have cried myself to sleep. I have tried drowning myself in work. I have posted emo messages and status updates. I have become addicted to Facebook games which I was so against before. Yes, I have tried almost everything there is to do when one is depressed or heartbroken. Kulang na lang mag-droga ako.
Last weekend, we saw each other and it was then that I realized he was right. That we are not for each other. That while there is nothing fundamentally wrong with each one of us, it could have never worked out. I could have stayed in that flawed relationship for a long time, trying to make it work. But I think we did the right think. And I hope he was right.
Reading back our messages to each other makes me sad, and while I wouldn’t even deny that I still love him, I do not think it will be healthy for either or both of us to be together. Maybe years from now, when we have both changed and feel more secure with ourselves, we might have a chance to make it work. But not right now.
At this stage, I don’t really miss him. But I miss us and how comfortable and secure I felt when we were together. It felt good to know that no matter how good or bad my day was, no matter what happened in my life, there’s someone who will be there to accept me, to listen to me, and comfort me.
Growing up, I never dreamt of wearing a white dress and getting married in a lavish ceremony. I didn’t want and am still not ready to have kids but I always yearned for acceptance and unconditional love. And this is what I still look for, acceptance and unconditional love. Somebody who will make me feel secure, a relationship that will give me what I need. I do not dream of getting married and of having children, but I hope to love and be loved.
It’s been 50 days. I can’t say I’m over him or that I have moved on. But I know we’re both better off apart right now. I don’t wish for us to be together anymore, but I do long for a relationship like we had.
It might have been just 3 months, but those three months changed me so much. Not because he told me to change, but because he made me realize I am much better than I thought, that I deserve more. I might not have drastically changed to become the perfect good girl I should be but I am trying.
Believe me, I am trying.
29 years old and I haven’t had a long term relationship and the only functional relationship I had lasted only 3 months. It’s kinda sad really, but I realize it’s because I choose the wrong guys for the wrong reasons.
I won’t be settling anymore. If and when the right guy who deserves me comes along, it will happen. For now, I’m just going to try to have fun while getting past this break up.
It’s Day 50 and I can’t wait for the day to come when I stop counting.