It has been a rough few months and a brutal year. On the other hand, it has been a challenging and fulfilling one career-wise. With my recent life-threatening illness, I felt that life has not yet gotten tired of giving me more shiz to be emo and angry about. Then again, after more than a month of struggling, I am happy and very grateful to be alive. And yes, I have gotten a bit mellow and is more accepting of how things are. I can easily let go of things now. Despite the challenges and hurdles, I was perfectly happy.
That is until last weekend. It was off to a good start until certain things were said. And yes, those might have been in jest, but it’s never a happy moment when somebody tells you that your dead father, the one you never really knew, was a very good and kind person and they wonder why you’re not a good and kind person. HARSH!
And to be told over and over again that your struggle to stay afloat and live a happy life alone can be solved by swallowing your pride and apologizing to somebody who has hurt you so much, there’s nothing funny about that. You know who you are and I don’t really want to call you out coz I know you don’t know a lot about what I’ve been through, but I wish you could have even took the time and effort to ask first before judging me and my situation.
My own mother told me I am un-important and is the least of her priorities. It’s not easy to get over that, you know. I hope you never hear that from anybody important in your life. To be disowned, snubbed, and even made faces at by your own mother is not easy to swallow or accept. But I have never told you that. I had wanted to keep these pains to myself because I don’t see any point in telling you this.
To be kept prisoner in your own house, unable to go out, unable to even pursue your interests, that’s not how one should live his life. I was unhappy. And if I had not done what I did and took the risk of living alone, I would not be where I am. You call me proud, I think I’m brave. Brave for doing what so many others want to do but cannot because they’re afraid of losing their luxuries, their comforts, the lives they were accustomed to.
I really didn’t lose a lot you know. You say I’d be happier and more comfortable if I swallowed my pride. I think not. I rarely experienced those comforts and luxuries you see them enjoy. Coz I was un-important and the last priority in almost everything.
And yes, some parents might have good reason to leave their kids. But that’s no excuse for a parent her kid poorly. I was happy where I was, and she got me out of there and made me miserable. Yes, I was miserable for a very long time. I was not living a life, but merely going through the motions of being alive. I might not have a grand life now, but at least I am able to do the things that make me happy.
I hope you or anybody important to you will never hear the words I heard or experience what I’ve experienced, because it has not been fun. I could have said these things when you told me to swallow my pride. But I didn’t. That was not the time or place to bitch about my life and get some pity.
I cried non-stop for hours when I got home. You have to know that. To be compared to a father I never really knew and to be told to suck it up and swallow my pride are not the words I wanted to hear from people I thought knew me better.
I could have kept my silence and let this go, but I think you’d go on thinking I’m just a prissy and petty spoiled brat if I didn’t tell you how it has really been. I am hurt and sad. You’ll probably never take back what you said, and I’ll move on and accept things as they are. I’ll even forgive you for hurting me. But these will not change the fact that you were wrong.
I do not long for pity. I only ask for understanding. That for one moment, I hope you try to ask or listen to my story. Because it’s not just about me being too proud to ask for forgiveness. And if you only know how much I want to be the person my father would be proud of, I think you’d never say those hurtful words.
This is not about anger or angst. I just have to say these things because it has been rough for me and I have been crying a lot.