It has only been three years but so much has happened. So much has changed. So many friends gained. And so many “friends” lost.
It has been a long and winding road. In my 31 years of life full of drama, twists and turns, this last journey I have been taking for over 3 years has been an interesting one.
Once again, I am at a crossroad. There are days when I still look back at the painful memories. And yes, there are still nights when I cry in frustration. Times when I’d get sad over the most trivial things. Moments when I feel jealous of others. I feel like I tried and worked so hard but I don’t really have anything to show for it.
There’s always one thing I tell myself and others, that no matter how great or small, every experience is an opportunity to learn. And there are lots that I’ve learned through the past three years. At the very least, I can say I have learned many valuable lessons I would have never learned if this journey had been a successful one.
I’ve learned that the world is full of people willing to screw you over for their own benefit. That even your closest friends andallies you have fiercely fought for will unflinchingly stab you in the back when it’s convenient for them. I have met these people. I have been painfully stabbed in the back by my closest friends and allies. It has been devastating but it has also been quite liberating. I have realized that these people were never really my friends to begin with. I never want to be one of those people. No matter what the situation, no matter what the consequence, I will not betray my friends.
“Value people. Use things.” This is one line I often post on my wall. Not to remind others, but myself that to be human is not to use people and value things. Rather, I must ALWAYS strive to value people and use things. Never the other way around. With this philosophy, I might end up abused and unsuccessful, without material things but I will always be with people whom I know truly value me as much as I value them. People who deserve my loyalty.
Perhaps one of my faults is how fiercely loyal I am. Some people think this is my weakness. I refused to stab people in the back, did not peddle my loyalty in exchange for power and opportunities. Unfortunately, I have been loyal to the wrong people and my loyalty was abused and shattered to pieces, and never returned back to me. The people I trusted most chose their own advancement and ambition.
My heart was broken. Not by a guy, but by my friends and allies. Some of the people I fiercely fought for and went through the fire with let me down. I was stabbed in the back and dropped like a hot potato. Still uncertain why it happened, I am grateful nonetheless for the betrayal because I found myself in the company of few yet fiercely loyal friends. It was not really by choice, but by circumstance that I forged a strong friendship with the people who still remain true and loyal to me. I have learned that true friends are those who never let go, never let you down, and tell you things, good or bad, in your face and never behind your back. These friends, who told me bad things to my face… these are the friends I trust to be there with me through thick or thin. And I for them.
You can find friends in the unlikeliest places. Do not ever judge a person solely based on what others say about them. Through this journey, I have unfortunately judged some people harshly. The sad reality is some of the people I have judged harshly are the very same people who defended and protected me. In as much as there are wolves in sheep’s clothing everywhere, there are also sheep in wolves’ clothing around you. I have leared to take time to know a person before I form an opinion about him. I have stopped trusting other people’s opinions and stories. I know now to trust my own guts, my own experiences, only first hand information when I deal with people.
No matter how good you are, you will need people. Friends who will support you. Friends who will lift you up. Friends who will tell you when you’re doing something wrong. Friends who will laugh with you. Friends who will cry with you. Friends who will remind you of the important things. I will always be grateful for the past three years because no matter how painful, chaotic, and frustrating it has been, it has given me countless friends from all over the country who know me beyond what people say about me, who are loyal to me, who have and will always stand by me.
I have come to accept failure as an inevitable part of life. Everyone who knows me knows that I am competitive, driven, and love to take on challenges. That when I aim for something, I will stop at nothing and will do everything to achieve my goal. Two years ago, I had a specific goal for where I am supposed to be today. But I am not there. Despite my best effort. Despite working really hard. Despite being brilliant and being good at what I do. (Pardon the arrogance.) Despite abandoning all other endeavors to achieve my goal. I still not understand why and how but I have been denied what is due me. I am struggling with this but I am working towards acceptance. That I am not perfect. That I am infallible. That I live in an imperfect world where hard work and talent are sometimes not enough.
When I am sad, depressed, or frustrated,when I feel like a failure, I try to find happiness anywhere. I have come to realize that the best way to get over my failures is to be happy for other people’s success. Celebrate and find inspiration in other people’s success. This is the best way to find happiness when there is no happiness to be found in your own life.
While it’s best to find happiness when there’s none, do not deny yourself the right to be angry, the right to feel pain, the right to mourn. We are but human and it is necessary to feel pain in order to heal. It is from feeling the pain, from the anger and bitterness, from the grief, from the process of acknowledging and accepting our failures that we realize that we can always be better.
When worse comes to worst, know that it may get even worst but also that it can also get better. It’s up to you to let it get worst or to realize the that lessons to be learned so you can get better. Move forward. Hold hands with the people who deserve your time and continue the journey together. Always be grateful for what you have and, more importantly, who you have with you.
I might not be perfect, I will never be. I might consider myself a failure now but I am confident of this… that I have learned many valuable lessons and I am constantly moving forward. One step at a time. To accept my failures, let go, and accept new challenges. I am lucky that through these all, through the pain, the anger, the frustrations, the betrayal, I am left with true friends who sincerely love and care for me. I may not be where I aimed to be and I may never get there, but the lessons I have learned and the friends I have gained are more than enough to make me realized I am still a lucky person.
There is a part of me that will be eternally grateful to the people who have hurt and betrayed me for they have given me invaluable gifts… experiences, lessons, the harsh truth, strength, fortitude, opportunities to be better, and lifelong friends.
Sa lahat ng nanatiling tapat at totoo, sa lahat ng nagtiwala, sa lahat ng nagbigay ng lakas, sa lahat ng umalalay, sa lahat ng sumuporta, MARAMING SALAMAT!
The world is full of people to know, places to visit, experiences to relish, moments to treasures, and lessons to be learned. I say BRING IT ON!
Live. Love. Learn. <3